…I do not intend to renounce my admiration and delight at this poetic hero. However, it is high time I reframe the reference in my heart. May I be, then, braver, not more combative; may I step fully into the light in spite of… well, ‘Nose’, without fear of derision, with arms open wide to all consequences….
One of the most beautiful things about being a musician is that it so often asks of us to enter a room, look into the eyes of a stranger, and love them.
I don’t mean the acting out of being in love with one another — though of course that’s included in plenty of operatic plots. No, I mean the love required for true ensemble, for taking risks, for opening oneself enough that there is space for an audience to be allowed into the experience of a musical work….
Clear as day my brain said to me, “What if you got up, and left this room, and never came back again?”
I didn’t move.
Not until I got up to sing ten minutes later. And, singing, I didn’t feel afraid anymore, and I didn’t think of what my brain had offered me just a little while earlier.
I thought about it when I got home, though……
…My mind said very clearly “what if it is OK to plateau sometimes?”.
Good Lord. What if it is okay to plateau sometimes!?!
What if that plateau is beautiful? What if the air is clear, the view is lovely, the flora and fauna are diverse and inspiring, there is a mossy log to sit on, a stream of unpolluted water to splash on your tired face…. What if you just rest on that plateau for a little while and appreciate how far you’ve climbed….
Why was I so set on thinking I could not benefit from therapy - from healing? Am I so determined, still, to consider myself whole and self-sufficient? Why would I seek any relationship if I am already complete? Why is emotional wisdom so frequently and thoroughly overlooked in favor of perfectionist intellectualism?
…When without emotional wisdom and attunement Poetry, and Music, and all Creative Art would scarcely exist — and what did would be grasping and lackluster.
Is it because it is not quantifiable? Not counted in busy calendar hours, in papers written or exams passed, in jobs completed, or even in philosophers read…
…. But that’s not all.
I have time. All of a sudden I have time. Time to practice. Time to just sing. Time to take weekly voice lessons, now that they’re online and not hours of travel away. Time to write. Time to watch as many operas as I like.
Yes, I’ve lost three professional music gigs so far, and my husband has lost more — some will be rescheduled, some will not — and the budget changes.
Yes, there have been days when I’ve just wanted to curl up and not do anything… and sometimes that’s exactly what I’ve done. ….
The summer after my twenty-first birthday I went to Italy for a language and music program. My first, and - for the time being - only, European adventure. I was wired with excitement. But I remember trying to finish my packing in the couple days preceding my departure, and being hit by sheer panic as I looked from the safe green chair, to the shiny, new, green duffle bag that was supposed to contain all my necessities for six weeks in a new land. Many a time I’d heard heard my father quote Horace: “caelum, non animum mutant, qui trans mare currunt.” That is, “those who rush across the sea change the sky, not their soul.” But the impending journey felt momentous and symbolic …
…”The fact remains that I am stuck in between two dreams and desires; drawn now one way, now the other; never feeling I could have both, however much my friends, and the 21st century, insist that I can “Have It All”. In my singleminded nature, the two desires feel threateningly incompatible. And being ‘in-between’ often makes me feel I could never make real progress in either desired direction. Some days I feel as if I’d like …”
